'Coming out' is a term which is understood differently by different people. It's commonly used to describe the act of telling someone else that you're attracted to, or have feelings for someone, or people who are the same sex as you.

Coming out is really not just the act of telling someone that you're gay, lesbian or bisexual, coming out is a process of accepting and dealing with your own sexuality and then making the decision to let other people know about it.

The process of accepting and dealing with your sexuality or coming out to yourself often involves reviewing everything you have been taught about sex, relationships and future aspirations. For some, this is a fairly simple exercise but for others it's much more difficult. Coming out is a rite of passage that all same-sex attracted people have to go through. Part of the process is becoming aware of your feelings and accepting them as a normal part of your life.

Becoming out

Coming out is not a one off act that has a clear end. Telling other people about your sexuality is an issue that never goes away. It is a lifelong process. Each time you meet a new person you have to consider if you want them to know about that part of your life. In most cases it becomes easier to tell others the more often you do it. Some people refer to this life-long proces as 'becoming out'. It's a journey, not a destination.

Coming home

Some people prefer the term ‘coming home’ as opposed to ‘coming out’. Coming home is seen as a positive experience where people feel like the realisation of their sexuality is an empowering and welcome event. Coming home can also refer to people who feel comfortable with their sexuality and want to invite other people into their ‘homes’ which is a metaphor for their lives.

We're not all out.

Remember that coming out is not for everyone and there can be varying degrees of being out. Some people might be out to their family but not at work or vice versa. Being out doesn’t make you any more gay or any more of a lesbian or bisexual. Whether or not you choose to come out should be up to you and the decision is best informed by what is best for you.

Benefits of coming out

• You don’t have to hide, lie or make up stories about what you have been doing, thinking or feeling
• You have the chance of being accepted by the people that mean the most to you
• You can talk more openly and honestly with your friends and family
• You have more freedom to express your true feelings and ideas without having to censor yourself
• Your friends and family can get to know you a lot better

Some reasons why people choose not to come out

• The fear of being rejected by some friends or family
• In some cases there's a risk of violence or being kicked out of your home
• Some friends or family may not accept your sexuality and continue to pretend that you're not same-sex attracted
• Some people may think that your sexuality is just a phase that will pass
• If you're married, it may lead to separation or divorce
• There may be religious and/or cultural issues or conflicts
• In some areas there may be a lack of privacy, so if you come out to one person everyone will know about your sexuality

This is not a check list for deciding when and who to come out to. Nor does it cover all the issues involved in telling somebody that you're gay, lesbian or bisexual. You should only use this as a guide to some of the issues you might need to consider. Take time to consider the specific aspects of your own situation.

More info

Contact: ACON’s Lesbian & Same-Sex Attracted Women’s Health Project

Tel: (02) 9206 2000
Free Call: 1800 063 060
Hearing Impaired: (02) 9283 2088

Email: women@acon.org.au