Women's Health

Sexual Difficulties

Sex is great fun and most of the time we can enjoy it without any hassles. However just about all of us at some point in our lives experience some kind of difficulty with sex. Difficulties can range from feeling worried or anxious about sex through to not being able to get wet or be fucked.

The good news is that most sexual difficulties can be helped. Since most difficulties are a combination of psychological and physical issues, a variety of different responses might be needed. However, for just about everything, a good place to start is with a good lesbian-friendly doctor or counsellor.

Sexual difficulties experienced by lesbians and same-sex attracted women are very similar to sexual difficulties sometimes experienced by any woman. However sometimes living in a highly heterosexual society can create a few more hurdles. It might be more difficult to find information and support around the sex we have. It might be harder to talk about the sex women have together because there are messages in society that lesbian sexuality is shameful or that it isn’t ‘real sex’. But sex between women is ‘real’ fun and ‘real’ hot.

Sexual difficulties lesbians and same sex attracted women can include:

Difficulties with lubrication/getting wet
Difficulties reaching orgasm
Not knowing how to use condoms on our toys etc
Alcohol and other drugs e.g. only being able to have sex when under the influence etc
Toys and aids e.g. not knowing where to buy toys, how to use them, or feeling fear about toys etc
Psychological factors e.g. insecurities, past sexual trauma, finding trusting a partner difficult etc
Difficulties with being fucked e.g. tense muscles, finding vulnerability challenging etc

Difficulties with being fucked

Having problems with receptive vaginal or anal sex (i.e. being fucked or “bottoming”) is a very common experience.

There are many reasons why it may be uncomfortable or painful to be fucked or have things inserted into your vagina or arse. These include not using enough lube, being stressed or anxious, or not preparing the area well enough beforehand. The following tips are important for pleasurable anal and vaginal sex.

Awareness - Like with most sexual activities, it’s important to be aware of your body and pay attention to how it's feeling.
Relaxation - With any anal play, it's essential to be relaxed. Pain is usually caused because the muscles are too tight around and in the vagina or arse. Relaxing the anal muscles doesn’t come easily for everybody but it's possible to learn how to be more relaxed.
No pain ever - This is an important truth about vaginal and anal sex - it should not hurt! There's a common myth that a little bit of pain in vaginal or anal sex is perfectly normal. It may be common but it's not always healthy. Pain is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong. If you ignore the pain and keep doing with what you’re doing, you can cause damage. If it hurts, just stop, take a moment to relax, then try again.
See your doctor - If anything goes wrong with your arse or vagina, see your doctor immediately. This includes irregular vaginal bleeding or pain or bowel issues such as constipation and diarrhoea, haemorrhoids, anal STIs, bleeding or irritation.
Use enough lube - A very common mistake women can make is not using enough lube. Basically, you can never use too much lube. Also try out different kinds of lube to find the one that you like best. Water based lubricants are best for use with condoms as the consistency helps prevent tears in the condom.