How confident are you and what do you know?

It's generally a good idea to be confident about your identity before telling others. If you are having feelings of confusion or guilt, it's probably best if you hold off from coming out. If you are uncomfortable about explaining your situation to your friends or family, they might think you are just confused or going through a phase. It might, however, be useful to talk to a counselor about some of the issues that are causing you concern.

The people you are planning on telling may only know negative stereotypes about these topics. If you have done some reading on the subject you may be more prepared to answer their questions more fully.

There are a number of questions that come up frequently, such as:

• " Who made you this way?"
• "How long have you known you were gay/lesbian/trans/bi?"
• "Aren't you scared of catching AIDS?"

It is important to educate yourself about these types of questions so that you are comfortable responding to them if asked.

What kind of support do you have?

If it's at all possible you should have somebody to talk to in case your friends or family react badly. There are some individuals or support groups you can talk to if necessary, you can find their details on our links page.

What's it like at home?

Before telling people about your sexuality you should assess how things in general are going. If the person you're planning on telling is dealing with grief, sickness, death, moving or losing a job it may be best if you hold off from telling them about your sexuality until their current stresses have passed.

Sometimes people will come out during a fight. This can have both positive and negative effects. For some people saying "I'm gay" is very difficult. They need the extra emotion created by a conflict to get over that particular hurdle. The main disadvantage in coming out in a fight is that it may sound as though you're using it as a weapon against the other person and therefore they may not be in any mood to be understanding.

Are you financially dependent on the person you're going to tell?

If you think there is a real risk of being thrown out of the house or having money cut off by the person you're planning to tell it may be best to hold off from telling them until you are sure they will be supportive, or until you're in a position where you don’t have to rely on them financially.

How do you feel about waiting for them to come to terms with this?

Your friends and family may need some time to adjust to the news you've told them. It’s probably taken you years to get used to the idea of being same-sex attracted and/or transgender, so it would be unrealistic to expect them to deal with it in a short time. Some people will be fine straight away while others may take several years to accept the idea. It can be a slow process.

What do you think their values are around gender and sexuality?

If they have conservative views about gender, sex and sexuality you may have some real problems with telling them about this part of yourself. It will be important for you to consider whether it's necessary for them to know about that part of your life and if their views will affect the way they feel about you once they know that you're same-sex attracted and/or transgender.

What is your motive for coming out and is this your decision?

There are many reasons for coming out. One is to build love, trust, respect and a more open relationship with the person you're telling. For much of a young person’s life in this situation, they have had to keep secrets from the important people in their lives. Coming out is a way to do away with these secrets. Consequently the relationship with other people can become more honest and fulfilling. Occasionally, some people come out as a deliberate attempt to hurt the other person. There's little value in this and will probably end up being a bad experience for everybody concerned.

It's extremely important to be in control when you're coming out to people. Not everyone needs to know. Don't feel pressured into coming out just because you think you have to. Sometimes it's unnecessary and can make your life more difficult and complicated. Coming out can have a big impact on your life, maybe positive or maybe negative, but either way you should be ready to deal with the consequences before actually doing it.

More info

Contact: ACON's Fun & Esteem Project (for guys) or the Young Women's Project

Tel: (02) 9206 2000
Free Call: 1800 063 060
Hearing Impaired: (02) 9283 2088

E-mail: youth@acon.org.au